The Key Differences Between Meltdowns and Tantrums (And How to Handle Both)
As parents, caregivers, and educators, we often encounter moments where children express their big emotions through behaviors like crying, yelling, and throwing themselves on the floor. These emotional outbursts can be distressing, and could leave us wondering: is this a meltdown or a tantrum? While both can seem similar, understanding the key differences between them can help guide more effective responses to help support our children.
In this post, we'll break down the differences between a meltdown and a tantrum, and explore ways to respond to these challenging situations. Keep in mind that this period of development is full of children testing boundaries. During these first years, that’s a big part of their job. They’re learning what’s ok and what’s not ok, what is safe and what is dangerous. Holding a boundary might make them upset, but it’s not your job to keep them happy, only to keep them safe and cared for. OK, tantrums vs. meltdowns, here we go!
What is a Tantrum?
A tantrum is typically a child’s attempt to manipulate their environment in order to achieve a desired outcome. Children often throw tantrums when they are frustrated, upset, or seeking attention, but they generally have some level of control over their behavior. Tantrums often happen when a child is not getting what they want or when they are unable to express their needs or desires effectively.
Tantrums are most common in toddlers and preschool-aged children, as they are still developing their emotional regulation and communication skills. In these moments, children may cry, shout, or even engage in physical behaviors like stomping or throwing objects. Despite their behavior, the child is usually aware of their surroundings and might stop once their goal is achieved (for example, when they are given a toy they want or are allowed to stay up past bedtime).
Tantrums are often a sign that a child is struggling to manage their emotions. Children need adults to help them understand and process their feelings, offering opportunities for learning and growth (Siegel & Bryson, 2011).
What is a Meltdown?
In contrast, a meltdown occurs when a child’s emotions become so overwhelming that they lose control over their behavior. Meltdowns often stem from sensory overload, emotional overwhelm, or frustration beyond a child's ability to process and cope. For instance, they often happen when the child is hungry or tired. During a meltdown, a child may feel completely out of control and unable to calm themselves. Unlike a tantrum, where a child is still seeking something, a meltdown usually occurs when a child is simply unable to handle the intensity of their emotions in the current environment.
Meltdowns are more common in children with sensory sensitivities, but they also happen to any child experiencing a perceived high level of stress. During a meltdown, children might engage in behaviors like crying uncontrollably, screaming, or even hitting or kicking. They might not be aware of their surroundings or able to stop this behavior until they have calmed down.
When a child experiences a meltdown, it’s often due to the brain being overwhelmed by intense emotions. The child’s ability to self-regulate is compromised, which means they may need assistance in regaining composure and calming down (Haim, 2020). This is also known as co-regulation.
Key Differences Between a Tantrum and a Meltdown
While both tantrums and meltdowns can be intense, there are several distinguishing characteristics:
Intent: A tantrum is often an attempt to manipulate or get something, while a meltdown is a reaction to emotional or sensory overload.
Control: During a tantrum, children still have some control over their behavior, and they may stop once they achieve their goal. During a meltdown, children often lose control over their actions and may not be able to stop until they have fully processed the intense emotions (Siegel & Bryson, 2011).
Response to Comfort: After a tantrum, children may be receptive to reasoning or a compromise, as they are still trying to assert control. After a meltdown, children often need space and/or comfort from an adult to help them calm down (Siegel & Bryson, 2011) even before reasoning is brought to the table.
Duration: Tantrums can be brief and may end when the child receives what they want. Meltdowns can last longer and may take more time to resolve, as the child’s emotional system needs time to calm down (Wagner & Schaefer, 2018).
Responding to Tantrums and Meltdowns
Understanding the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown can help you respond more effectively to your child’s emotional needs.
For Tantrums:
Stay calm and firm. Children need to understand that exhibiting certain behaviors like screaming or kicking will not get them what they want.
Set clear, consistent boundaries, and use calm language to explain why their request cannot be granted.
Offer alternate choices when possible to help the child feel in control.
Offer comfort and reassurance to validate their feelings while holding your boundaries.
Once a bit of time has passed, talk about what happened and discuss strategies for coping with not being able to get what they want in the future.
For Meltdowns:
Recognize that the child is overwhelmed and not in control of their emotions. Offer comfort and reassurance without trying to reason with them during the meltdown.
Stay calm and present, and allow the child time to regulate their emotions at their own pace.
Later that day, use the opportunity to talk about what happened and discuss strategies for coping with overwhelming emotions in the future.
Conclusion
Understanding the distinction between a tantrum and a meltdown can help you better support your child during emotional outbursts. By recognizing when a child is testing boundaries versus when they are overwhelmed, you can approach the situation with an effective response. Supporting your child’s emotional development through patience, empathy, and appropriate guidance is essential in helping them navigate intense feelings.
The key takeaway is that both tantrums and meltdowns are opportunities to teach children about emotional regulation, but they require different strategies. Tantrums are a signal that your child may need better tools for expressing their desires, while meltdowns often indicate a deeper need for emotional support, a safe space to process intense feelings, and opportunities to learn about emotions. By getting curious about what your child is experiencing and why, you can respond with understanding and compassion. This will help your child build emotional resilience and eventually learn how to manage life’s big feelings.
Book a complimentary consultation now.
—
References
Haim, N. (2020). The Art of Parenting: Managing Emotions in Children. Routledge.
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The Whole Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind. Delacorte Press.
Wagner, H. L., & Schaefer, A. L. (2018). Cognitive and emotional development in children with ADHD: From neuroscience to behavior. Developmental Review, 49, 32-51. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.dr.2018.02.001